This post is dated May 5, 2011
My Dadi…
Stepping on d Tatanagar railway station, since the last 4 years, has always been a moment filled with excitement. That feeling of meeting d two important F’s of my life ,my family and my friends, has been the reason for this excitement. But this day was an exception and I hated this for being such an exception.Was to board the Purushottam express on the night of 25th April for a long vacation. Everything was set. Just 8 hrs of journey and I’d be @ my home. But life had other plans for me, as always! Needed to rush for a train in d morning itself to reach home ASAP. Reason for it was a call from sis that Dadi is no more. Yep. My dadi was no more. I needed 2 repeatedly say it to myself to believe it.
It was not some shocking news I was listening to. I knew this was coming. frequent dialysis and increase in the level of sugar. the kidney failure nailing it all. But still it felt strange to digest this fact. The feeling that My grandmother is no more was something I had never ever thought of. There will be no one to scold my Ammi when something of my choice was not made for lunch or dinner. The feeling that there will be no one to sneak in a few bucks while going for a movie when I was running out of cash. and not just the material things, just the presence of her. her warmth, will no more be there! Too many things that I cannot even think of or cant put in words but will not be possible in the absence of my Dadi.
My Dadi’s love was the superlative of motherly care. Now there is no one who will be partial towards me. Which had always been there , me being her eldest grandchild. Sigh. But as they say ” har Jaandar ko maut ka maza chakna hai”. One has got to accept it. No matter how much hard it will be. Its life and one has to move on with it. I’m thankful to the Almighty that I could at least be part of the funeral. Atleast I could lend my shoulder to her Janaaza That I could at least help her in making her rest into her new home.
But there is regret too. Regret that I couldn’t see even her face one last time Regret that I was the one whom she had been longing for. But I was not there with her during her last breath. I feel like crying while writing all this. Something I didn’t do after hearing the news. I didn’t felt like doing. The only time I ended up crying was when I entered the house n Ammi just mentioned her name.
I still feel her presence around me. I close my eyes and her face pops up. My heart fills with regret that she couldn’t see me become a big man. Don’t know whether this regret will stay or fade away with time but one thing is for sure dadi, you will always stay by me for ever and ever along with Dada. May your soul rest in peace.
My Dadi’s love was the superlative of motherly care. Now there is no one who will be partial towards me. Which had always been there , me being her eldest grandchild. Sigh. But as they say ” har Jaandar ko maut ka maza chakna hai”. One has got to accept it. No matter how much hard it will be. Its life and one has to move on with it. I’m thankful to the Almighty that I could at least be part of the funeral. Atleast I could lend my shoulder to her Janaaza That I could at least help her in making her rest into her new home.
But there is regret too. Regret that I couldn’t see even her face one last time Regret that I was the one whom she had been longing for. But I was not there with her during her last breath. I feel like crying while writing all this. Something I didn’t do after hearing the news. I didn’t felt like doing. The only time I ended up crying was when I entered the house n Ammi just mentioned her name.
I still feel her presence around me. I close my eyes and her face pops up. My heart fills with regret that she couldn’t see me become a big man. Don’t know whether this regret will stay or fade away with time but one thing is for sure dadi, you will always stay by me for ever and ever along with Dada. May your soul rest in peace.