Pointlessness.
That’s one word that has got stuck in my headspace. And the more I think about it, the more dangerous the thoughts emanating from it appear to me. Not having a purpose to your social self is problematic. And it’s not limited to the idea of ‘nothing to look forward to’ but the eventuality of that (or anything desired) ceasing to exist.
Towards the end of last month, back at home, I ended up visiting the graveyard for a funeral in the colony. Being away, it is very rare that you even participate in a funeral or even visit the graveyard. Without an assured certainty, I can accord the origins of this persisting pointlessness to it or just consider that as a trigger. Nevertheless, it has occupied some real estate for a while.
And then this evening, as I sat down in the balcony, while the evening was announcing its arrival, the moment brought some sense to me. I could finally feel my breath. All of it, the inhaling and exhaling of it, right there. The partial answer to the pointlessness just bared itself in the form of a simple moment of idleness. The scenery is as exciting as our mind wants it to be. The dimmed skylight is hardly making a case for an Instagram worthy picture.
Not that I have an answer to the pointlessness that our lives are. Yet. Yes, our tiniest of efforts contribute to an objective that we don’t individually value and maybe that has a purpose. The purpose of our existence.
But, on an individual level, the absence of a purpose is a wordless description of nothingness. You don’t seem to care if the race you’re part of is getting kickstarted, or the goalposts keep getting shifted, or that you find yourself in multiple races with an eventuality of you never reaching the finish line. When that realisation becomes clear, this pointlessness becomes real heavy.
Hence, a moment like this evening, of being able to watch, sit and breathe with a sense of contentment, keeps your sanity intact. A moment is all it takes to bring you back. Back to hope.