Of all the tiresome things, the one where we get tired of our own pattern of decision-making is the most heart-wrenching. Figuring out the cause of your problems is your own self and your stupid decisions and behavior, is you, just a sad version of a face-palm moment. In slo-mo.
It’s not like we have no idea when we’re making those decisions, but that tiny clasped nudge of optimism pushing us forward, like teenage boys telling their friends to jump off the first floor. Nothing will happen. They’ll say. And, Lol!
It’s like a song ringing in your head. When you don’t even like Pink Floyd that much but you can’t get this out of your head.
‘..Out there in the cold.. … can you hear me?!
And all of this have reminders. Popping like mushrooms on the thrown away wood after rains. Not needed, but there. Purposeless existence. And yet, visible.
In the exercise of trying to make well-thought out decisions, our life still follows a pattern. The troughs and crests of our lifetime fall back to their OCDish nature of creating a symmetry. Even when we are trying to enjoy the highs, the creepy feeling of falling down doesn’t let us be free. Sure, and vice versa, we know we’ll move up as well. But in between, one just gets tired of it. Why can’t we walk on a plain road. Just walk, we don’t even want to run to reach anywhere. The plain and boring are fine. Let’s stay here and chill.
We need excitement in life. Heck, the life needs excitement and it wants us to try it all. Hit-and-trial.
‘Did that work?’
‘Okay, let’s try it this way!’
But, let’s wait
‘Come on, this’ll be fun. You’ll be fine this time’
Umm.. ohkay. If you insist.
And damn, we’re back to the same. Pattern.