Every dua when I was a kid used to have a few standard things. It was like a long list of things that I asked Allah. I would go like, Ya Allah, I want this, this, this and yes, this too!

Most of those, okay ALL of those, were materialistic things.

When I look back to recall what were those things that I longed for, I’m glad I didn’t get those. Sure, I did get a few of those but not all.

Now, why am I glad that I didn’t get my wishes fulfilled?

Well, those were never the things that I really wanted. Those were borne out of what I saw others with. I wanted those because others had them.

And no, this isn’t that stage of my life when I would get something by crying out or rolling in the mud near our Shop right in the middle of the road to my Abbu’s embarrassment. Oh yes, I was THAT kid.

Damn! Who tolerates this kind of kids?!

All my prayers used to be centered on that list. Every few months, I’ll bump one off the list and add another. And no, I’m not telling you what those were.

What I now realize is, we don’t actually seek a particular thing (or even a list of it), but we crave for a state of content. At least I do now. I’m not clear as to what will give me that state of contentment. The list is gone. I go ahead in adding Aameen to what Hafiz Saab says with a voice in my head, ‘Yes, that’d be great to have’, ‘Yes, that too’ ‘Aameen’. And I say Aameen only when I believe in what he says.

It was so easy to find contentment in that one extra laddoo left on the plate when guests leave and no one’s watching you. Now, even when a box might not bring that same joy.

There are two things here, either as kids, we are clear on what we want or are totally oblivious to what we really need. Maybe looking back, with my adult eyes, it feels different.

I know there are many who still have clarity on what they want from life, from their God, from this world and its people, and that’s so great! Only, I cannot see that for myself.

I imagine the state of fulfillment to any wish to be a plain rather than a peak. Like, when I reach that state I’ll get to enjoy it with others because there’ll be space for all.

The lack of specificity is what life’s current state is. Just like the words that I wrote.