Inconsistently cursing the cravings which led me to where I currently stand in the palindrome of a complex phenomenon called life, I simply wonder as to why certain things take precedence over the others. The jumbled up priority list which springs up surprises, and not necessarily in a manner which I can refer to as decently good, if not great.
One time, I feel as if riding an air-filled tube down one of those amusement park rides where I have no control over what is happening. I am just forced down the ride with my own expectations of joy and amusement, but all along a small prayer rushes down to return me down to the ground with every body part intact. Yes, there is fear.
But unlike the amusing water-coaster ride, where I can shout my lungs out and expect myself to be down there exclaiming the captured adventure with a rush of blood, life continues to be a long ride with no surety of the end result or promise of any retrospective “oh-that-was-fun” in sight. It just goes on and on.
I do push hard to make the trail down as smooth as I can, following the protocol of societal pressures have never been my cup of tea. Not a tea person too. But have pushed hard enough to put in changes. Now, whether those changes have worked or not remains to be seen.
They say there is something called confidence, which has been washed down along the course of this trail down under, and with hardly any uplifting of sorts in getting it back together, just continues to wash itself out with the water along with it. Not just because of my neglect to hold it, but with the constant rough patch that continues to over-shadow each and everything. You hold onto one thing, you lose another. How big a hand I need to hold onto it all?
There’s nothing called stability which resides here in my heart. Words like Serene, calm, relaxing are mere goals which I run after, without being able to catch hold of even one. They are like the flags on top of a summit which invite me, but just when I show up, kick me hard in my nuts and enjoy watching me fall down from it.
Back when I was at my optimistic best, as to how everything will finally fall back into place and there will be peace, appears to be a fairy tale now with only the nightmarish thoughts of where I’m gonna end up? Or where will this shit take me to?
As I referred to my constant tries of pushing to make things happen, some lethargic attitude holds it back anyway. The most prominent questions that props up is, “how I’m gonna put all this shit of life together? “
Answers are what I seek and more questions boomerang my way to doze me off again, and when I woke up to the same shit again. The one thing, I again make it a point to exclaim, “I need to get my shit together”.